Guest Blog: Maniacal Mal’s Monster Market by Charles Yallowitz

Please welcome my first guest blogger, Charles Yallowitz, author of the Legends of Windemere fantasy series. You can find my (not so typical) review of the first book, Beginning of a Hero in the post, Whisked Off to the Magical World of Windemere: One Reader’s Adventure. His newly released Prodigy of Rainbow Tower is available on Amazon at just 99 cents for the month of August. Join the adventure and pick up one or both of his books today.

I follow Charles’ blog faithfully because:

  1. He writes fantasy fiction (one of my favorite genres),
  2. The content of his blog is interesting and informative (especially for aspiring authors who want to self-publish),
  3. I’m generally always guaranteed a laugh, if not in the post then in his interactions with others in the comments section, and
  4. I love to see Ionia (no last name necessary) pick on him. Don’t be surprised if she takes a stab at him here.

And now, drum roll please, the inaugural guest blogger post.

Maniacal Mal’s Monster Market

www.zazzle.co.uk
http://www.zazzle.co.uk

Welcome to Maniacal Mal’s Monster Market!  So, I’m told you’re going to write a story and use some monsters.  We have everything in stock from dragons to zombies to four-faced catfish that eat ships.  What do we call that last one?  Name it whatever you want.  Last author called it behemoth and the guy before that leviathan.  I believe the person before that simply called it Burt.

I see you’re interested in the undead area.  They’re a common choice these days, so we have a lot of specials on zombies.  Buy one horde and get three special zombies free to use when the plot needs a surprise.  I’ll leave the explanations behind them to you since I’m not the one writing the story.  If you’re interested we also have some skeletons.  Not as scary and mostly sold for children’s movies these days.  The rest of the undead are in the back collecting dust.  I hear mummies might be coming back.  I know.  Everyone loves zombies.  The zombie obsession is putting thirty kids through college and only two of them are mine.

We have a lot of aliens that we’re trying to get rid of.  We thought there would be a surge of unique alien types after M.I.B 3, but people still want the tall, bipedal gangly ones.  For those, we give you the basic model and you can alter in the transformer tube.  Still, I would like to point out that we’re practically giving away the non-humanoid aliens.  No?  They’re going to be used for dragon food by the end of the week, so now’s the time.  Sure, I’ll get that fluffy . . . oh . . . do you want the alien that ate the fluffy one?

I wouldn’t go over there unless you’re sure you want one of those.  That building has the orcs, goblins, and other humanoid creatures you find in fantasy novels.  We have a few samples in there and bulk order the others if you decide.  The problem is that they’re incredibly needy and have been known to board the doors until a customer chooses one.  Ever wonder why you’ll read a fantasy book and a lone hobgoblin is shown for some reason?  This would be why.  Makes no sense since they’re pack creatures and the loners that go out never come back alive.  They may look ugly, but they can die of loneliness like the rest of us.

What was that?  No.  You’re too green for Cthulu.  Don’t even ask where we keep him.

I can see you want the big monsters for those death-defying fights.  Come out onto the balcony and I’ll show you the reserve.  See all those roaring, screeching, and deadly beasties?  We have dragons, giants, griffins, pegasi, unicorns, and whatever else you can remember from your childhood.  Each one can be altered to your whim or you can choose from the catalogue where we keep all the previous ideas.  All we ask is that you return them intact, so you’ll get a rebuilding kit for when they’re slain.  Small word of warning on the dragons: they really appreciate lozenges and mints.  Give them some of those and your furniture will be fire free until you’re done.

I see you have that glint in your eyes.  You’ve made a decision?  Ah, you want some unique monsters.  For that, we would have to go to the Egg Dispenser.  You sit in the chair and look at all the choices of body parts, powers, and whatever else is in the machine.  We put a special helmet on you to pick out any options that aren’t listed.  You piece your monster together and we give you the egg, so it will imprint on you upon hatching.  Once you’re done with it, you can keep the monster or send it back for store credit.

Made your decision?  Okay.  That’ll be three dragons with one red, one black, and one pink.  You want five snake monsters and a couple hundred ogres.  You know, we have a deal where you get a free demon if you buy a fourth dragon.  Great.  I suggest an orange one because you don’t see them very often.  Would you like anything else?  Three eggs to be determined after lunch.  Excellent.  Glad to do business with you.  Mind if I ask what series you’re working on?  Legends of Windemere . . . sounds interesting.  Good luck.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Guest Blog: Maniacal Mal’s Monster Market by Charles Yallowitz”

  1. Have any of those swamp water slurpies you had last week? Not the regular ones but the ones with the dead frogs and apples. I need a couple for my imaginary pet dragon, Fizzle’s cousin Fazzle.

Don't be shy! I'd love to hear from you.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s